Whenever someone mentions something about the future, I think to myself, "Yeah, if I haven't killed myself by then.

I have it so set in my mind that I am going to kill myself, I feel like I'm just procrastinating, just waiting for the perfect moment and the perfect method. I think about suicide every day, I think about how I will do it, how it will affect my family, and mostly, I think about how it will be such a beautiful release. I have written many, many suicide note drafts. One of the most stressful thoughts I have is the thought of attempting to kill myself, and failing.

I relate every aspect of my life to suicide, everything I say is said and everything I do is done with the idea in my mind that I am going to kill myself soon. When I am upset, the idea that I will not be alive for very much longer is what comforts me. It's like I revolve my entire life around the idea of killing myself, but for some reason I haven't done it yet.

Because I think the only complete, permanent solution to my problems and my feelings would be death. It's not even like my problems are that bad, I just can't deal with them, literally or emotionally. My main problem is my mind. I've tried to get professional help, I've tried medication, but none of it has ever helped me. Living on, just so I can deal with this shit for another 50+ years, sounds so incredibly unappealing to me. Even if I tried to live on, I think I would still eventually end up killing myself.

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The Subway

Whenever I take the subway (which is twice a day per weekday, at a minimum) I'm cognisant of the fact that as the train approaches, any random stranger could kill me by pushing me onto the track in front of the train (accidentally or on purpose), and that my continued existence is merely thanks to the fact that nobody really ever wants to do that.

It is a bit unnerving.

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I often wish something horrible would happen to me so I could feel as miserable as I do with a valid reason.

I can relate. I'm also viewed as one of those indomitable persons of happiness. When I'm sad or depressed, my brain has developed a weird coping mechanism. I've always had an over active imagination. Even now as a 26 year old man, I find that when I'm feeling down I often imagine looking off in the distance hoping to see a giant godzilla/cloverfield type monster attacking the city I live in. I want so bad for that to happen for no reason other than it would give me so much perspective. It would make all of my problems seem so small. It would also provide me with a singular goal. Survive. And as horrible such a thing would be, I would relish the clarity it would provide.


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